Dear Fucking Diary
Archive for 2021
- [12.21.21]
Epiphany
Was struck with the sudden awareness that my twin flame plays leg of leg. Absolutely convinced of it.
Saw his mindspace today, after I cleared up mine.
During meditations today, I merged my shadow with my core... and something about that opened up his mindspace to mine. And I saw him more realistically for the first time.
I think both of us projected 'characters' onto each other. Expectations of ourselves and our 'ideal partner' is what masked who we truly were to each other.
Acceptance lead to connectivity.
And through that connectivity, I realized... he plays lots of leg of leg. Especially when he needs a mental/emotional boost. It's both a good and bad influence on him. Depends on his mood going into the game.
I have a similar experience with Overwatch. I think we share other hangups too. Not quite sure all what, but they're there. Good and bad things that connect us, parallels across both lives.
I also recieved confirmation I do indeed have two twin flames, making us flame triplets.
A 'twin flame' is when your soul is dispursed into more than one body. What was once one soul in one body, living one life, now exists in two or more living bodies. Living two or more lives.
The connection existed prior to birth, and prior to any incarnation. The oldest soul-based relationship. A soul that grew to love itself...
The others I connected with are soulmates.
Karmic soulmates are connected through karma, not past lives. There is no history between the souls. Just energy needing to be dispursed.
Regular soulmates are connected through past life experiences. They can have karma attached. This karma is related to the past lives, but may or may not be related to the lives shared together.
Saw his mindspace today, after I cleared up mine.
During meditations today, I merged my shadow with my core... and something about that opened up his mindspace to mine. And I saw him more realistically for the first time.
I think both of us projected 'characters' onto each other. Expectations of ourselves and our 'ideal partner' is what masked who we truly were to each other.
Acceptance lead to connectivity.
And through that connectivity, I realized... he plays lots of leg of leg. Especially when he needs a mental/emotional boost. It's both a good and bad influence on him. Depends on his mood going into the game.
I have a similar experience with Overwatch. I think we share other hangups too. Not quite sure all what, but they're there. Good and bad things that connect us, parallels across both lives.
I also recieved confirmation I do indeed have two twin flames, making us flame triplets.
A 'twin flame' is when your soul is dispursed into more than one body. What was once one soul in one body, living one life, now exists in two or more living bodies. Living two or more lives.
The connection existed prior to birth, and prior to any incarnation. The oldest soul-based relationship. A soul that grew to love itself...
The others I connected with are soulmates.
Karmic soulmates are connected through karma, not past lives. There is no history between the souls. Just energy needing to be dispursed.
Regular soulmates are connected through past life experiences. They can have karma attached. This karma is related to the past lives, but may or may not be related to the lives shared together.
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- [09.25.21]
Tarot Read to Filth
I worked with some dieties (Loki and Kali) to guide me during a tarot reading about my twin flame. The cards read him but like in the gay way like. Completely uncovered all the subtext.
Explaining the reading:
- 8 of Cups Reversed + Makoto
- I bring my DM great joy and fill him with love. - The Emperor + Kenyoku
- My DM is releasing negative energy right now. - 10 of Pentacles Reversed + Okolu Na
- There are money related issues, specifically relating to inheritence. Quarreling is on going, and my DM is doing all he can not to get angry about it. - 6 of Wands + Kotodama
- My DM communicates through the 5D to explain how he truly feels. He is working towards sharing the joy I bring him in the 3D, against all odds. We connect through creativity in any and all ways. Others creativity and our own. - 4 of Cups + Ware + Otoko
- My Dm's ego is what holds him back, feeling disatisfied in many things... Mainly himself and where he is in life.
___________________________________________
- [09.20.21]
Haiku
I channeled a haiku the other day. Very beautiful and powerful poem. Feels like from another entity beyond myself. God? Counterpart? Whatever the case, here it is.
Drowning in your love,
learning how to breathe again.
Never realized
I used to breathe in toxic fumes
and call it true love.
___________________________________________
- [09.16.21]
Near Death + Orgasm
Was in a car accident yesterday. Could have died, but I didn't. Could have killed someone, but I didn't. Each time I brush with death and murder, I feel more impatient to be alive. More need to feel life again. To acknowledge life every second I am alive.
Like somehow I had forgotten I was even alive. And then I nearly died and I thought... WAIT! I like this living thing! Don't end it now! Was just getting in the groove!
Like somehow I had forgotten I was even alive. And then I nearly died and I thought... WAIT! I like this living thing! Don't end it now! Was just getting in the groove!
I think sometimes. Maybe too often. About the phrase la petite mort. The little death. It's what a really good orgasm is like.
It's also the feeling of kundalini activation.
And that feeling when you nearly die, but don't.
The little death that hurts so good. That won't kill you, just kill the old you. Bring you to a new version of yourself.
Mon petite mort. My little Death.
A miniature reaper inside of me, to cleanse the old and bring in the new me.
Every seven (7) years, every cell in your body has been regrown and replaced. You are 100% a new person every 7 years. This is non-negotiable fact.
How amazing is it, that you are always growing to be a better you? Whether you think you are, or not!
Even a worser you got better at getting worse! >_^
___________________________________________
- [09.11.21]
Pettiness
If you don't like someone, why pretend? Why do people have this facade of politeness, when just beneath the surface they are broiling with rage? It is unneccessary to keep me locked in a situation with you out of courtesy. It is not courteous to me. It is more courteous for you to spit venom, and I know then to avoid said poisonous, toxic, putrid vile thing that you are!
When you swallow your venom and then plead for attention... you manipulate me with self flagelation, while still hating me behind my back.
Grow. Up.
I'm tired of dealing with bitches like this.
If you don't like me, don't bother saying a word to me trying to be civil. It's better to be honest than lie to my face. I hate liars more than anything in the world.
When you swallow your venom and then plead for attention... you manipulate me with self flagelation, while still hating me behind my back.
Grow. Up.
I'm tired of dealing with bitches like this.
If you don't like me, don't bother saying a word to me trying to be civil. It's better to be honest than lie to my face. I hate liars more than anything in the world.
___________________________________________
- [08.20.21]
Love + Hate + Everything
I have finally admitted to myself with complete honesty... I hate things. I have finally admitted to myself, from a place of reality and truth... hatred and love have NOTHING to do with each other. As different as apples and oranges?
More like as different as strawberries and bananas. Very VERY different... but they go well together.
For they tend to negate the strong negative points, and balance out what is lacking as well.
When I pretended to be a stupid person who thought going into debt in order to be educated was a good idea, I did learn a thing or two. (And waste money on things I could learn on youtube.) One fun fact that stuck out to me quite solidly was something we barely skimmed over in Psych 101. Which is that hatred and lust are the same chemical in our brain, just interacting with different frequencies and chemicals to result in one mood outlet over the other. Humans as a species have a habit of misconstruing hatred for lust, and then lust for love.
ALL LOVE IS -- IS A CHEMICAL BOND! Oxytocin! It creates pack loyalty and allows for transferences of ideas and energy to happen more smoothly. In the end of the end of it all, oxytocin has a powerful role... but it is by no means the place to start, nor a place to end. it is rather... something to be assumed. an absolute constant. like water, air, the earth. Love is in every single thing. It holds us all together. There are more important things in life than a chemical bond that makes me drawn to something. Oxytocin addictions are a reality for humanity. After all, you can be addicted to anything. LOVE is one of the strongest drugs. An impossible drug to kick, one you must simply manage how you take the doses. And why. And when. Oxytocin feels better from certain people, doesn't it? And worse from others, at least for me.
I look into my dogs eyes and our oxytocin bond is strengthend and rejuvenated. She is a little bitch, but she is my little bitch. I pet her, and the bonding chemicals release for us both.
She asks nothing of me, save to feed her and let her poop and piss. She will poop and piss, even if I don't take her out. She will find food, even if I don't feed her.
However,
she likes the way I take her for walks. She likes the way I pet her. She likes to sit by me... and in the end... I would have to push her away. And still, I think my sweet pug would remember me fondly.
Love is very real. Love is just a chemical bond of loyalty. Love is a wonderful thing. Love is crucial. Love is the most important thing. Love is constant. Love is always. You don't have to think about love. Love just happens. Always and forever. With everything, through everything, for everything. Even plants. Even rocks. Even dogs. Especially dogs.
Choosing who you love... is inherent. You always can. You always could. You always will. You always do. You can't help it. I can't help it.
I love you. I love myself. I love everyone on earth. I love everything in the universe + the universe itself.
I love you.
I'm Sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
More like as different as strawberries and bananas. Very VERY different... but they go well together.
For they tend to negate the strong negative points, and balance out what is lacking as well.
When I pretended to be a stupid person who thought going into debt in order to be educated was a good idea, I did learn a thing or two. (And waste money on things I could learn on youtube.) One fun fact that stuck out to me quite solidly was something we barely skimmed over in Psych 101. Which is that hatred and lust are the same chemical in our brain, just interacting with different frequencies and chemicals to result in one mood outlet over the other. Humans as a species have a habit of misconstruing hatred for lust, and then lust for love.
ALL LOVE IS -- IS A CHEMICAL BOND! Oxytocin! It creates pack loyalty and allows for transferences of ideas and energy to happen more smoothly. In the end of the end of it all, oxytocin has a powerful role... but it is by no means the place to start, nor a place to end. it is rather... something to be assumed. an absolute constant. like water, air, the earth. Love is in every single thing. It holds us all together. There are more important things in life than a chemical bond that makes me drawn to something. Oxytocin addictions are a reality for humanity. After all, you can be addicted to anything. LOVE is one of the strongest drugs. An impossible drug to kick, one you must simply manage how you take the doses. And why. And when. Oxytocin feels better from certain people, doesn't it? And worse from others, at least for me.
I look into my dogs eyes and our oxytocin bond is strengthend and rejuvenated. She is a little bitch, but she is my little bitch. I pet her, and the bonding chemicals release for us both.
She asks nothing of me, save to feed her and let her poop and piss. She will poop and piss, even if I don't take her out. She will find food, even if I don't feed her.
However,
she likes the way I take her for walks. She likes the way I pet her. She likes to sit by me... and in the end... I would have to push her away. And still, I think my sweet pug would remember me fondly.
Love is very real. Love is just a chemical bond of loyalty. Love is a wonderful thing. Love is crucial. Love is the most important thing. Love is constant. Love is always. You don't have to think about love. Love just happens. Always and forever. With everything, through everything, for everything. Even plants. Even rocks. Even dogs. Especially dogs.
Choosing who you love... is inherent. You always can. You always could. You always will. You always do. You can't help it. I can't help it.
I love you. I love myself. I love everyone on earth. I love everything in the universe + the universe itself.
I love you.
I'm Sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
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